this week:
i spent an hour looking for parking at school. i missed my exit on the way to school after work, making me sit in my car for an hour through traffic. i’ve had a headache for 4 days straight. my back hurts. people have disappointed me. i’ve woken up every night from having dreams about school and work. i haven’t eaten more than 800 calories a day. on my way home from school, a traffic light was out so it took me 40 minutes to get home (2 miles). i’ve also been unable to breathe, which has made me use my inhaler beyond what my doctor recommends. i got called on in class and couldn’t respond because my brain can’t function quickly enough. fiance’s phone also completely died, which meant i couldn’t talk to the one person i trust to understand me. i miss my family. my car is very low, and i drove too far while parking and scratched the bottom of my car. twice. OH… and also, i had at least two confrontational moments this week… one where someone couldn’t trust me, and the other where someone questioned by integrity. both… sucked. i never cry in public outside of a movie or something touching. i NEVER cry for personal reasons in public. today… apparently, i was so… who knows… i had tears coming out during class. DURING class. i judge myself.
i consciously had to tell myself… that it’s just coincidence. that it’s just chance that all these small things happened at once. nothing against me. during each moment, i’m mad. but… not right now. not later.
how does all this relate to wedding? well, everyone who maybe slightly knows me enough will ask if i’m stressed. and i will say no. i don’t like people knowing about my personal life. and then those who know me slightly better will ask me WHAT is stressing me. and then automatically ask “is it the wedding planning?” i wish it was. interestingly enough, i am having FUN when i plan for our wedding. but i’m doing everything opposite of wedding planning.
BUT
everyday… is only ONE of each day. i am happy that i can feel better after the event is over. but now, i want to be able to stay calm DURING the storm.
“i will praise you in the storm”. IN the storm. the small, insignificant storms i have… i should be able to stay calm. not of myself.
i am happy. not because i tell myself i am. i’m happy because i realize that everything that happened…. are just events. that’s it. happens everyday. i’m grateful 🙂
one year of planning 